I got this challenge to write about when I get old. I'm 37 now so old age is getting here faster than I want to admit.
WHEN I AM AN OLD WOMAN, I HOPE TO:
1. Be able to chew properly. I hope to keep all of my own teeth and not have some kind of set that you drop in a glass on the nightstand. The thought of my teeth floating beside my bed, brings shivers to my spine.
2. Not shit myself. I don't want to ever have to have anyone else wipe my butt. The thought of lying there while someone else wipes the crack makes me suicidal.
3. Still have sex. If the hubster goes before me, I want to be a Blanche Devereaux. She's my Golden Girls idol. What's life without a little nookie?
4. Be hot. Not hot as in ‘oh I have a fever and nasty rash’ hot, but old lady hot. I think this one might be a pipe dream but I could be senile by then anyway, so let’s just go with it mmmkay?
Onto the next part, which, you’re just holding your breath waiting for. Maybe I should do part 2 tomorrow and make you dream about me all night long. I’m not that cruel, however. You can still dream about me though.
WHEN I AM AN OLD WOMAN, I WILL NOT:
1. Tell you how many times I passed gas before noon. Besides, people like me,
2. Have short, old lady bad perm hair. I like my hair. I’ve not always liked my hair and it’s taken me many years to come to fall in like with it, so I will not cut it all off and make it all curly and gray. I will dye it. I will leave it sorta long but I will not have short, white, carpet hair. Sure the other wrinkly broads at the old folks home will hate me but so what?
3. Wear polyester stretch pants or blouses with ruffles or undershirts (not sure if old women wear undershirts, maybe that’s old men, whatever, I’m not wearing them), wear giant ‘granny panties’, soft soled nurse type shoes or elastic waisted anythings. If I look like a retarded asshat wearing my lowcut lacy black bra under my sexy white tee and my tight jeans with the hot high heeled boots, that’s my business.
4. Have bunions. I will cut them off before I walk around with fungus on my feet or whatever the hell bunions are. I will file that bleep bleep off before I walk around with an gross lump on my pretty little feet.
5. Have a turkey neck. There is no need for one. Honestly, wrap that baby up, clip it, tape it, sand it, get surgery, something. Just no need to walk around, all flappy.
And there you have it. My old lady list of do’s and don’ts.
What are yours?
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